December 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2: Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3: Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5: Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6: Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7: Debug Windows '95

December 10: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11: Lay Faberge egg.

December 12: Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13: Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14: Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15: Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17: Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19: Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22: Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23: Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24: Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25: Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27: Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31: New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.