Christmas Jokes

[Sabine]

Do you know any Christmas Jokes?



A part of North Germany, near to the Dutch Border there is an area called Ostfriesland (Eastfresia)....

The People say that the citizen there are leaving in Christmastime there Houses just threw the Window..
Do you imagine why?

Because Chrtistkind (Santa) is standing in front of the Door....

[MerryCarey]

My grandmother used to tell about a Sunday-school class where the pupils were asked to draw a Nativity scene. Little Johnny drew a very nice picture of the scene in the stable, but something puzzled the teacher.

"Johnny, why are the three Wise Men wearing fire helmets in your picture?"

"Why, teacher, you just told us that the three Wise Men came from afar!" (Note: Requires a Southern American drawl.) cheesy

This is the same Johnny who drew a picture of the flight into Egypt---the Holy Family in the cockpit of an airplane---but the teacher couldn't figure out who the fourth person in the plane was. "Pontius, the pilot!" explained Johnny. cheesy

I also know one about Chet, the parrot who sang Christmas songs, but it's PG-13, so I won't tell it here ... :wink:

[lauriebear777]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so). Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen.... had to be a female. We should've known this when they were able to find their way!

[George Broderick, Jr.]

Why is Christmas like a cat walking across the desert..?

They both have Sandy Claws!

Go here: http://www.coolyulecomics.com/coolyule_rudy

For a couple more... with visuals...

[lauriebear777]

I found this on this link
http://www.dezert-rose.com/humor/christmas/kittenchristmas.html

A Kitten's 12 Days of Christmas Mischief

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me...

A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to
grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second,
Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully
kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie
dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three
sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to
remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename
the recipe Paw Print Cookies.


On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me....

On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon
has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office
visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55
X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas
decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet
removed the 3' curly *tail* in slightly less than two seconds by
tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.


On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me...

13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to
chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving
the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under
the tree. How was I to know the kitten was actually measuring its
climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.


On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me...

A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men
plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99


On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me...

The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an
accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone.
Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled
out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood
stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice.
Although the amount must remain secret according to our
settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many
soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major
Windfall!


On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me...

The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really.
While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased
a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the
same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long
time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas
wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind
of bows Sara can't unravel.


On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me...

The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one
earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel,
a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale
price: $29.95 plus tax.


On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me...

Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten
could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha
guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded
once she got those rascally strings out of the way.
Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way I
came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous
escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar
for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to
get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our
annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings:
$12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.


On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me...

My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's
delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line:
$17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B
through H.


On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me.....

The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a
disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed
a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time
favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful
Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95.
Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of
kittens with kleptomania.


On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me.....

The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it
was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now
infamous words: "Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a
little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner.


On the twelfth day of Christmas........

Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.

[George Broderick, Jr.]

One of my favorite bits of Christmas nonsense is in the one Three Stooges short where the guys are in an Arabian palace and a guard tells them "The King demands your presence"... so, of course, they dress up like Santa Claus and bring in sacks of toys...

HA! Priceless..!

[whychristmas]

Loving the thread! Here are mine: http://www.whychristmas.com/fun/cracker_jokes.shtml

[George Broderick, Jr.]

"Claustrophobia"..! HAHAHAHAHA..! cheesy

[Snowfall]

I like that Spongebob episode when they're stuck in the well. And Patrick thought Squidward was afraid of Santa when he said he was claustrophobic. And he went "HO HO HO" into Squidward's face. Classic. cheesy

[CJ498]

I like that Spongebob episode when they're stuck in the well. And Patrick thought Squidward was afraid of Santa when he said he was claustrophobic. And he went "HO HO HO" into Squidward's face. Classic. cheesy

HAHA! I love that episode too! "Stop it Patrick, you're scaring him!" cheesy

This is a great thread! cheesy

[Meceka]

It is a great thread! :D

[Snowfall]

"Stop it Patrick, you're scaring him!" cheesy

HAHAHAHA!!! :lol:

[George Broderick, Jr.]

Why is a declawed housecat like Santa's wife..?

One is Mrs. Claus and one will miss his claws...

[Christmasstar]

Dear Santa,
This is Ray,
Remember me? I was the guy who lit the fireplace just before you came down the chimney. Sorry about your suit!
I'll stay in bed next year!

[George Broderick, Jr.]

Why don't the elves get as much publicity as Santa from the press..?

Low elf esteem.