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The Monster Inside

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Posted 04-29-2011 at 12:44 PM by caninemom3

It's back. It has raised its ugly head once again. Only this is not a monster one can conquer with weapons or anything of that nature. This is a monster who lives within me, within my emotions and strikes when I am at my lowest. I am talking about my food addiction. I am a compulsive eater. Always have been. I have tried EVERYTHING including hypnosis, psychotherapy, behavior modification. EVERYTHING. You name it, I have done it.

The ONLY way I can put this monster in limbo is by staying away from all the foods I find to be trigger foods, which is almost anything but usually high fat foods, high carbohydrate foods, and the like.

Why am I like this ???? No matter what I do the monster always wins, ALWAYS. I may win a few battles but the monster always wins the war.

I try to think of other things when I get that compulsion to binge.......try to pay attention to music, books, my furchildren, take walks, take a nap (which is REALLY dangerous because in general the monster usually wakes me up and then I REALLY go at eating being half asleep).

I don't want to lose to the monster this time. I have kept the weight off nearly two years and I actually LIKE myself at this weight.

I don't know how to stop this. I have analyzed it from every angle I can think of. Even turned it over to God. I think though, at least for me, God expects me to fight this and not ask him to do things like one would ask a magical genie.

It started this time with just having a day or two "off" during the week and eating some of the foods I really love. Then it became three days then four and now I barely stay on my diet. Excuse my crudness but this just SUCKS. Food has ALWAYS been my comfort. When I was little and my parents would fight which was often, I turned to food. When David died, FOOD. When my husband now yells at me or if I have a particularly stress filled week like I just had .....FOOD. It is so accepting and asks nothing in return.......all it does is comfort....and add weight of course but when a person is in the throws of an eating disorder.......they do not think about the negatives.....The remorse comes AFTER the binge.......Just like with a drug addict or an alcoholic.......The big difference is we need food to live so stopping my addiction completely is not possible........

I am 56 and my old lady metabolism is certainly not going to take kindly to trying yet ANOTHER diet if I get heavy again.

I feel like just giving up. What does it matter ?? I am ugly anyway......It seems I have the sulks too. How attractive !!

So let's go at it monster.....Me against you again. Yep. I am going to fight you or try. I am praying this time I will be successful.
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  1. Old Comment
    MerryBells's Avatar
    Good luck from a fellow food addict. I had some nice cheesecake on Easter, and now all I want is carbohydrates again. Y'know what? I'm convinced that when we get to Heaven, desserts will be calorie free and lettuce will be fattening. Until then, I guess there's not a lot we can do except not buy the foods we really like.
    Posted 04-30-2011 at 04:30 PM by MerryBells MerryBells is offline
  2. Old Comment
    elf bazaar's Avatar
    I too have a horribly sweet tooth it really is a demon to me, I completely understand your pain, good luck with your demons
    Posted 05-04-2011 at 01:16 PM by elf bazaar elf bazaar is offline
  3. Old Comment
    xmas365's Avatar

    I know how food can consume you, I have put some weight back on after losing more than 20lbs. Be strong my friend, IMO part of it is probably caused by working overnight, it takes a bit to get your body used to doing that since it is not natural to be up all night. I hope you are able to slay this demon soon.
    Posted 05-04-2011 at 09:17 PM by xmas365 xmas365 is offline

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