I know that we have never spoken but after reading what you have said above, I feel compelled to tell you a story.
Where to begin....I am now 48, and I am a survivor of Child abuse. I still sometimes, feel some sort of pain. loss, wanting, anger and hurt, deep, deep down inside my heart because of feelings that are seared into these un-wanted memories, that I will have to carry around with me, every day of my life. For you see, I was a child that was not wanted by my mother, I was blamed by her for all her misery and pain (of being married to my alcoholic father and having other children by him) and she took it out on me for her mistake and therfore, I was subject to constant beatings by her, my hair pulled out, I was beat with brushes, wooden spoons, belt buckles, whatever she could get her hands on... It got alot worse at times for me, sometimes, my father would beat me so much, I would be bleeding from my mouth, my nose, thrown thru walls, glass panes, etc... and then an hour later he would tell me, "I love you and think the world of you".
My grandparents helped to save me and gave me some sort of life by pulling me out of there and let me live with them every summer, holiday break, but even then, I always was made to go back home, so I could go to a school near them and also because my mother hated my grandmother for mothering me and so, I always had to go back to the madness until I turned 17 and I graduated from High School and went into the Navy for 6 years. When I got back home 6 years later, I was now a man, but also I was an angry man at 23... At that point, I hated the world, hated my life and hated what had happened to me and I started to take it out on everyone around me... But again, my grandparents were there, they saw my struggles and helped me thru some of my lowest points in my life so far. They were and still are, my best friends, my mentors and my real true mother and father, because they were always there for me. I also realized that I needed help to help me sort out my feelings, so I went to therapy for awhile and my wife went with me. We have known each other since she was 15 and I was 23 (when we first met) but I never told her all of the things that had happened to me, she was horrified and she cried as I recalled them from my memories.
In the end, now that I look back, because of my grandparents, I went back to school, studied Engineering, meet my wife, had two beautiful children and I am here today. It has always been a struggle somtimes with my feelings, but I swore to myself and the Lord above that I would not become my parents ---I broke the chain. I have never laid a hand on my wife and children and I never will. I am responsible for me and my actions, I want to Love and be loved and I want my children to feel what I never had.
I'm now happy and at peace with my life because I am always looking ahead and not back, I have not told too many people about this, But I wanted you to know that your not alone and that even if things are bad and your somewhat down on your luck, remember, it can always be alot worse. Remember that it is you, that needs to make yourself happy, live life, experience things, take small steps and in time you will realize that you have come along way from all your pain my dear......I hope this helps
PS I feel very much like apart of a very special group of friends here at MMC and I and glad that you are here as well....