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  #11  
Old 09-08-2011, 08:39 AM
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lauriebear lauriebear is offline
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lauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the tree
Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.
Dad said, 'What a marvellous train set. I'll buy it.'
The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, 'Great, I'm sure your son will really love it.'
Dad replied with a glint in his eye, 'Maybe you're right. In that case I'll take two.'
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  #12  
Old 10-19-2011, 11:04 AM
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lauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the tree
Bumping Up

What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
Santaclaustrophobia

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  #13  
Old 10-20-2011, 08:16 AM
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  #14  
Old 10-21-2011, 09:11 AM
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lauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the tree
Posted at Church off the internet...

Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.
He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.
Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, 'I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes on camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around'.
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Last edited by lauriebear; 10-21-2011 at 09:12 AM. Reason: missed off... duhhhhh :)
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Old 10-22-2011, 09:11 AM
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Everyone was invited to a Christmas costume party and had to come as their favorite Christmas character. About an hour into the festivities, someone dressed as Rudolph turned to someone dressed as Frosty and asked, "who's that fat guy over there with the retainer, pocket protector and Star Trek T-shirt?"

Frosty replied, "Round John Virgin."
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  #16  
Old 10-25-2011, 08:02 AM
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CJ498 would be nice to meet under the mistletoeCJ498 would be nice to meet under the mistletoeCJ498 would be nice to meet under the mistletoeCJ498 would be nice to meet under the mistletoeCJ498 would be nice to meet under the mistletoeCJ498 would be nice to meet under the mistletoeCJ498 would be nice to meet under the mistletoeCJ498 would be nice to meet under the mistletoeCJ498 would be nice to meet under the mistletoeCJ498 would be nice to meet under the mistletoeCJ498 would be nice to meet under the mistletoe
What goes oh! oh! oh! ?

Santa walking backwards.... ::
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  #17  
Old 10-25-2011, 08:05 AM
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What does Santa give the IRS every year..?

A ball and a whip that cracks, also a hammer and LOTS of tax!
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Old 11-11-2011, 02:00 PM
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lauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the treelauriebear you could wrap up and put under the tree
Question: What is the snowman’s breakfast?
Answer: Frosted flakes!
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  #19  
Old 11-11-2011, 02:35 PM
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I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A
special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

---------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who
are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree
present. No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other type of
music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

-------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this? Somebody? Anybody??? Forget about the gifts exchange, no
gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too
much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package
everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
sit with the Gay men, each Group will have their own table. Yes, there will
be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have
booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the
salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems
to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.

OKAY???
Patty

-------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up? PLEASE????????? Also the company has changed their
mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get
a notification in the mail sent to your home.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^ Holiday Party

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about.
What the %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!

You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of
address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your
address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including hydroponic
tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!

(signed)
The .itch from YOU KNOW WHERE!!!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
******
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  #20  
Old 11-12-2011, 09:00 AM
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Jimmy and his dad decided to make a large cardboard tree for decorating their front yard, made by attaching four sheets of green cardboard cut into right triangles... after several attempts, Jimmy was becomming upset with the fact that it didn't look tall enough to him. Dad noticed the boys vexation and asked what the problem was. Jimmy replied...

"I want a high hypotenuse for Christmas!"
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