My Merry Christmas

By Elf Ed Zachary

Someone famous, when asked a particular question, answered by saying: "It depends what the definition of 'is' is."

The world mocks him still for the ignorance of his statement. But I tell you they are words of wisdom even if they came from the lips of a man who, under the circumstance, had no idea how profound he was speaking. For indeed, the definition of "is" defines us all.

The ageless question that gets asked around the world -- the Chri... [Read More]

By Elf Ed Zachary



We live in a politically correct world these days. That means we're careful in how we say things. For whatever reason, Christmas is a target in the battles of political correctness. In some place, folks won't say "Merry Christmas" -- they'll say "Happy Holidays" instead because they don't want to be "offensive".

That's silliness, of course. You know it, I know it and all the world knows it. But in the spirit of the season we allow i... [Read More]

By Elf Ed Zachary

Fact: Santa uses reindeer to deliver the goods.

When we grow up the first reference any of us hear to reindeer is in association with Santa (except for a few kids in Lapland) and so we simply think of them as Santa's kind of animal. Everyone knows about it, and most people accept it without question. Most people.

There is however a contingent of discontented people out there who must know why. Unbelievable as it seems, some people want to know why their particu... [Read More]

By Elf Ed Zachary

It nearly hit 70 degrees here the other day. Almost had to take my sweater off. That's sweltering for the North Pole.

Such is summer here. Oh, I know what you're saying. Some of you think it is Christmas here all the time. Many have visions of endless pails of eggnog, of trees lit up 24 hours a day and of stockings perpetually hung by the chimney with care.

Yeah, we read the letters you send.

You think we all run around in little short overalls that are al... [Read More]

By Elf Ed Zachary

It began like any letter we receive here at the North Pole. The writer an 8 year old boy from New York City named Brandon started his letter by telling Santa how important Christmas is in his house and that, he thought -- for the most part -- he has been a good kid.

Santa knows these things but kids always have to state their side of things anyway. We call that the proactive defense. And smart kids (especially the guilty ones), use this tactic every time. These lett... [Read More]

By Elf Ed Zachary

You've heard the song. You've seen the claymation television special. Neither one is entirely accurate, nor are they good press for the North Pole. It's high time to set the record straight.

"Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose…" -- it's true, his nose glows like one of those lights you see on top of radio transmitters. It's pretty bright, and in the black nights of the arctic winter, you can see him for miles. That's pretty much the only p... [Read More]

By Elf Ed Zachary

Reading Santa's mail is an exercise in human psychology.

There are the sweet letters from five-year-old girls who don't ask for anything from Santa, they just want to send a letter where they can dot their I's with a little heart. Seven-year-old boys are direct. Their letters read more like shopping lists. Quick, dull and to the point.

We get letters from older folks too. Sad mothers who can't afford much for their kids write a lot. New Dads write all the time... [Read More]

By Elf Ed Zachary



Some people say that Santa is magic. I say that some people are morons.

Santa is just a man. He has problems just like the rest of us. Broken fingernails, bunched up underwear, phone soliticitors and bad breath are as normal to Santa as they are to everyone else. He's a regular guy.

But-- oh yes, he's Santa. And that makes him special. But there isn't a lot of magic involved with what Santa does.

People use the excuse of "it's just magic" to... [Read More]

By Elf Ed Zachary



It is the question that just won't go away: How does Santa get around the world in one night?

I've never been one to understand how kids can ask this question. After all, Santa never fails to appear. I've lived through more Christmases than almost anyone and Santa has been there for every one of them. Every time. Without fail. He has never called in sick. He has never had anything else to do (and who else can say this during the holidays?). The man is the En... [Read More]

By Elf Ed Zachary

Santa knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake.

Pretty scary, huh?

But what's the big deal? A really good cat burglar can know the same thing about you. What's worse is that he knows if you've been bad or good.

Think about that: he knows.

The very thought kind of gives me the creeps. And I'm an elf one who is considered a superior citizen if there ever was one. The all-seeing Santa was one I never contemplated much as a kid until I beca... [Read More]