Members Area
Countdown to Christmas --
Visit My Merry Christmas on Facebook!   Visit My Merry Christmas on Twitter!   Get My Merry Christmas on RSS
Navigation » Merry Forums of My Merry Christmas > Christmas Library > Index > The North Pole > Elf Ed Zachary » Top Ten Reasons You Don't Want to Be An Elf

Home Submit Article New in the Library What's Popular Search

» What's New
santahat Remember when Black...
by MMC Editor
11-12-2013 12:55 AM
Last post by thechristmasmusicman
01-27-2014 10:42 AM
18,403 Views  4 Posts
santahat The Real History of the...
by MMC Editor
10-24-2013 12:44 PM
16,502 Views  0 Posts
santahat The Mistletoe Bough...
by MMC Editor
10-17-2013 06:19 AM
Last post by Virginia
10-30-2013 03:04 AM
2 Posts
Christmas Tree A Christmas Tree for Cats
by MMC Editor
10-11-2013 08:21 AM
19,653 Views  0 Posts
Christmas Tree The Birds' Christmas...
by MMC Editor
10-11-2013 06:59 AM
Last post by Virginia
10-30-2013 03:12 AM
21,595 Views  1 Posts
» Random Entries
My Santa Claus
by MMC Editor
05-31-2002 09:41 PM
52,166 Views  0 Posts
Being a Merry Mom
by MMC Editor
06-02-2002 09:33 PM
48,642 Views  0 Posts
Top Ten Things Santa...
by MMC Editor
06-13-2002 04:07 PM
50,412 Views  0 Posts
The Best of Christmas...
by MMC Editor
06-08-2002 09:51 PM
Last post by Minta
04-01-2014 10:33 AM
47,727 Views  3 Posts
The Legendary Role of...
by MMC Editor
06-08-2002 09:17 PM
53,141 Views  0 Posts
Top Ten Reasons You Don't Want to Be An Elf
Report to Moderator Old 09-23-2013 04:07 PM
MMC Editor
Category: Elf Ed Zachary
Views: 13,737
Replies: 0
By Elf Ed Zachary

There is no doubting the ambition of every kid out there to be one of Santa’s elves. We hear it all the time. It is the most common question we get here at the North Pole: how do I become an elf?

Kids, before you start sending in the emails and letters this year asking that question let me tell you this: you don’t want to be an elf. And I’ve got ten reasons why:

1. Low urinals. Let’s face it. Even an elf has to take care of business. Not all elves are short but most are. And the world just isn’t made for really short people.

2. High toilets. See #1. Same problem. There’s nothing like going to the bathroom and taking a running leap just to reach the throne, you know?

3. Clothes. The world has expectations of elves. We’re all supposed to look a certain way if we work for Santa. The Elf Union pretty much thinks the same way. So, it’s pointy shoes, overalls and goofy hats for us. You try to be taken seriously when dressed like that.

4. Girls. Working Santa makes us unnecessarily popular. When a girl hears you work for Santa they gush over you like you’re the Gerber Baby. We hate that.

5. Music. Again, this is an image thing. The world, thanks to Hollywood, thinks we begin work each day singing “We are Santa’s Elves”. Personally, I prefer to sing “Pour Some Sugar on Me” but even Santa forbids me to do that in public. Don’t know why.

6. Diet. Sugar cookies, eggnog and fruitcake have their place. But for the life of me, I just want a cheeseburger sometimes. Is that too much to ask?

7. Gift envy. An elf gets to see what every kid in the entire world gets for Christmas. That’s a bad thing. We usually end up wanting more things than we deserve. Jealousy is a big elf problem.

8. Letters to Santa. We believe in Santa too. We hang our stockings and write letters too. The problem here is that the elves in Santa’s Post Office sees all the mail that comes in. We hear whispers all the time that say “Did you hear what Elf So-and-So wrote to Santa?” Awful.

9. Reindeer poop. Yes, reindeer poop, too. Know who gets to pick that stuff up? Yup, those who are closest to the ground.

10. Elf bowling. ‘Nuff said.

I’m not saying you should lose your hope of becoming an elf. It’s a great job and, darn it, it looks great on a resume. And the gingerbread here at the North Pole is fantastic.

But life here isn’t all frosty snowflakes and pixie dust.

We work hard, we deal with things no one else in the world has to worry about and we never get holidays off. (We all work Christmas Eve, can you imagine?)

So the next time you write to Santa and ask “What’s it going to take?” think long and hard about it. An elf’s life isn’t easy.

Elf Ed Zachary is not your every day elf. He is a little cantankerous, a little edgy and sometimes a bit, well, impatient. He is also absolutely brilliant. When the more dubious kids out there ask the really tough questions, nobody can explain the mysteries of Santa Claus better than Elf Ed. As Ed likes to say, when you want it Ed Zachary right, he's your guy. But we must warn you. Elf Ed doesn't pull any punches. We wouldn't recommend getting smart with him. He's very old. And he doesn't like people who think they are smarter than he is. Elf Ed writes regular columns for the North Pole Gazette. You can read more of his articles by clicking here
This article is copyrighted. Use of this article in part or whole is strictly prohibited. For reprint, quotation, or excerpt use please contact Merry Network LLC.

Tags: None
Send to Friend

Rate Article:

Category Jump
» Featured
Top Ten Christmas Videos...
by Jeff Westover
12-16-2013 08:10 AM
14,038 Views  0 Posts
santahat Remember when Black...
by MMC Editor
11-12-2013 12:55 AM
Last post by thechristmasmusicman
01-27-2014 10:42 AM
18,403 Views  4 Posts
Annual Survey of...
by MMC Editor
09-16-2013 08:19 AM
Last post by icetene33
10-21-2013 04:04 PM
19,315 Views  2 Posts
Snowman2 Top Five Christmas Hoaxes
by MMC Editor
09-09-2013 02:14 PM
23,964 Views  0 Posts
stocking Santa Smoking: Why is...
by Jeff Westover
10-11-2012 08:10 AM
Last post by HollyJolly
09-02-2013 08:30 AM
42,330 Views  6 Posts
» Recent Comments
Hot Cocoa or Hot Chocolate: A Matter of Taste
It's hard to find good writing now a days. But you have done a great job with all these sharing hot Cocoa and hot Chocolate. That's interesting. Thanks for sharing.
by Riccardo Vasquez on 04-04-2014 01:38 AM
The Best of Christmas Sitcoms
My top favorite Christmas Sitcoms: All from M*A*S*H , Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley. Step By Step - I'll Be Home For Christmas
by Minta on 04-01-2014 10:33 AM
His Name is Bud
love this story! Thanks for sharing your memories.
by Christmasstar on 04-01-2014 06:46 AM
The Best of Christmas Sitcoms
Here are my top 10: (in no particular order) All 3 M*A*S*H Christmas episodes they made: Dear Dad Dear Sis Death Takes a Holiday The Bob Newhart Show: His Busiest Time I'm Dreaming of a...
by Christmas-A-Holic on 03-26-2014 07:50 AM
Tips for Buying a Fresh Tree
I will do that fresh cut of the trunk.....that was my problem last Christmas.....the tree lost so many needles....even tho it was fresh....the problem was....since I didn´t cut the trunk....the tree...
by trackrebel on 03-24-2014 09:13 AM
» Christmas Library Stats
Christmas Library Statistics Categories: 31, Articles: 352, Posts: 134, Total Views 18,604,856