By Elf Ed Zachary
There is no doubting the ambition of every kid out there to be one of Santa’s elves. We hear it all the time. It is the most common question we get here at the North Pole: how do I become an elf?
Kids, before you start sending in the emails and letters this year asking that question let me tell you this: you don’t want to be an elf. And I’ve got ten reasons why:
1. Low urinals
. Let’s face it. Even an elf has to take care of business. Not all elves are short but most are. And the world just isn’t made for really short people.
2. High toilets
. See #1. Same problem. There’s nothing like going to the bathroom and taking a running leap just to reach the throne, you know?
. The world has expectations of elves. We’re all supposed to look a certain way if we work for Santa. The Elf Union pretty much thinks the same way. So, it’s pointy shoes, overalls and goofy hats for us. You try to be taken seriously when dressed like that.
. Working Santa makes us unnecessarily popular. When a girl hears you work for Santa they gush over you like you’re the Gerber Baby. We hate that.
. Again, this is an image thing. The world, thanks to Hollywood, thinks we begin work each day singing “We are Santa’s Elves”. Personally, I prefer to sing “Pour Some Sugar on Me” but even Santa forbids me to do that in public. Don’t know why.
. Sugar cookies, eggnog and fruitcake have their place. But for the life of me, I just want a cheeseburger sometimes. Is that too much to ask?
7. Gift envy
. An elf gets to see what every kid in the entire world gets for Christmas. That’s a bad thing. We usually end up wanting more things than we deserve. Jealousy is a big elf problem.
8. Letters to Santa
. We believe in Santa too. We hang our stockings and write letters too. The problem here is that the elves in Santa’s Post Office sees all the mail that comes in. We hear whispers all the time that say “Did you hear what Elf So-and-So wrote to Santa?” Awful.
9. Reindeer poop
. Yes, reindeer poop, too. Know who gets to pick that stuff up? Yup, those who are closest to the ground.
10. Elf bowling
. ‘Nuff said.
I’m not saying you should lose your hope of becoming an elf. It’s a great job and, darn it, it looks great on a resume. And the gingerbread here at the North Pole is fantastic.
But life here isn’t all frosty snowflakes and pixie dust.
We work hard, we deal with things no one else in the world has to worry about and we never get holidays off. (We all work Christmas Eve, can you imagine?)
So the next time you write to Santa and ask “What’s it going to take?” think long and hard about it. An elf’s life isn’t easy.
Elf Ed Zachary is not your every day elf. He is a little cantankerous, a little edgy and sometimes a bit, well, impatient. He is also absolutely brilliant. When the more dubious kids out there ask the really tough questions, nobody can explain the mysteries of Santa Claus better than Elf Ed. As Ed likes to say, when you want it Ed Zachary right, he's your guy. But we must warn you. Elf Ed doesn't pull any punches. We wouldn't recommend getting smart with him. He's very old. And he doesn't like people who think they are smarter than he is. Elf Ed writes regular columns for the North Pole Gazette. You can read more of his articles by clicking here