Holiday Humor

Barbie’s Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it). So, here’s my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your rear?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white silk. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man… maybe GI JOE. Heck, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A sports-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, can of red spray paint; or “Stop Smoking
Barbie,” sporting a patch and equipped wth several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 47 years-I think I deserve it.

Okay Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours Truly,


Father of 7, Grandfather of 7, husband of 1. Freelance writer, Major League baseball geek, aspiring Family Historian.
  • S
    Santa Caras
  • November 18, 2015
Dear Barbie, Your requests will be taken under advisement and the Elf Wish Committie will be in touch.
In return........ Santa has a few requests of his own! Soy milk just does not cut it! While you may wish to maintain a 22" waist, the Big Guy here isnt into that. I actually prefer egg nog but I will settle for at least some 1%, okay!? So how bout some REAL milk this year!! Onto the next subject, cookies! I'm pretty sure that rice cake patties do not qualify for a cookie! So quit trying to feed me your left overs and leave some real cookies this year!! Sugar, chocolate chip, peanut butter cookies.....I like them all!'s a two way street and Santa isnt happy with you either!! Yours Truly
Santa Claus

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