By Elf Ed Zachary
The Bible says that Santa exists.
This startling revelation comes to us at the North Pole in the form of a letter from a scientist, Dr. Jasper Bumgartner. Here is the full text of what he wrote:
In the interest of scientific integrity I must admit to the recent discovery of evidence suggesting the existence of Santa Claus that pre-dates even Jesus Christ!
In researching for another project I stumbled upon an Old Testament reference from the Book of Zechariah. After checking the ancient text for translation accuracy, I am convinced that this verse is actually speaking of the famed and, some say, fabled, Santa Claus. In Zechariah 2:6 it reads:
“Ho, ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the north, saith the Lord: for I have spread you abroad as the four winds of the heaven, saith the Lord.”
This verse suggests that the beginning of Santa Claus was sanctioned and sponsored by Deity and could, in fact, mean that the many mystical powers attributed to Santa Claus (the ability to get around the world in one night, to know who is naughty and nice, etc.) may have been granted and sourced from God.
That doesn’t mean I’m buying it, fellas. I just find it interesting that Santa gets a mention in the Old Testament.
I am a scientist and my job is to question. So I share this discovery with the proviso that I am not yet a believer and the burden of proof still sits with you to show the world that Santa is in fact real.
Dr. Jasper Bumgartner, PhD.
Well, well — an interesting development indeed!
Oh, we’ve known about the Bible verse in the often-neglected Book of Zechariah for a long, long time. I just have never told you about it because, well, Santa doesn’t like to toot his own horn. But when a hotshot from the scientific community writes to us and honestly declares his surprise at the discovery it means he is on the road to belief in the Big Guy.
Of course, the fact that we received this two weeks before Christmas has nothing to do with the fact that old Jasper wants a new telescope from Santa for Christmas. Noooooo. Just because the good doctor sends us a letter by the light of his Christmas tree doesn’t mean he is making a death bed confession or anything like that. I don’t suspect he’s hedging any bets at all.
No, what gets me is the fact that he would pen a letter, stamp it, and send it north to where he says we do not exist. Why would such a great and respected mind do that? Why not send this letter to the White House or to some great University? Why send it to the North Pole?
Because he would get laughed out of the snooty academic circles he walks in, that’s why.
But we’re not going to quibble over this. The verse is right there in the Bible for anyone to read. Go ahead, look it up.
Then hang your stocking.