Elf Ed ZacharyNorth Pole

Catching Santa: Ain’t Gonna Happen

When it comes to Santa simple logic just escapes people.

For example, people think Santa keeps a list of kids who are “naughty” and kids who are “nice”. That story has been around for years.

It ain’t true.

We’ve told you that many times. And yet the story persists. It just is not logical.

Nearly every letter that comes to the North Pole bears the words “I’m sorry” first. It is kind of sad because the truth is that Santa believes, in his heart, there isn’t a bad kid out there.

So why keep a list? It just defies logic.

Logic works both ways when it comes to understanding Santa. Apply a little logic and you can get the answers you seek.

Why does Santa live at the North Pole?

Logic again: it is central to everywhere. He just hops in the sleigh and heads south. Easy peasy.

So if you apply logic to Santa you can answer all your questions without having to ask me. The latest silly question is “how do I catch Santa in my house?”

And the answer, like all the others, is logical:

You don’t.

You can’t.

Go back to bed, give it up, it ain’t ever going to happen.

(I’ve used the word “ain’t twice in the same article, I feel a headache coming from my editor…)

Santa cannot be caught in your house because your eyes are simply not fast enough. Especially if you are trying to catch him in the dead of night with sleep still in your eyes.

You’ve got a better chance of putting peanut butter on a gnat in flight than you do of catching Santa in your house.

Have you ever tracked Santa on Christmas Eve? Ever notice how fast he moves from country to country?

Logic tells you that if you apply movement-to-scale your chances of seeing any object moving that fast in a space as small as your living room is nigh on impossible.

Take, for example, the lowly gnat mentioned above. Have you ever seen a gnat?

Maybe not. They are quite small and really speedy. And they really are not all that interesting to look at.

You are a giant to a gnat. But, he isn’t afraid of you.

Because you are so big he can see every move you make. You can squish him easily, and he knows it, but you are so big to him that he can see you move almost before you think of moving. Most gnats get away.

The same logic applies to Santa. He can move fast in ways that you and I cannot.

Now, unlike a gnat, Santa is not small. In fact, it is fair to say that he is way bigger than most kids. So why can’t I see Santa but I can see something tiny like a gnat?

Because Santa is just that fast.

Ultra fast.

Crazy fast.

Faster than a sneeze kind of fast.

Really, really fast.

Did you know that Santa cuts all the hair of the elves at the North Pole? It’s true. He is a master barber.

But here’s the deal: he does it so fast that nobody sees how he actually does it. ZIP! He’s done. Just like that, in a flash — a perfect haircut in the snap of a finger.

How does he do it?

Is he like Superman, able to leap tall buildings? Is he like Batman, with a special suit that gives him these powers? Is he like Spiderman, who can climb up walls with a web?

No. He’s Santa Claus.

He gets to everyone who wants him to visit all around the world in one night.

He does it every year.

He has millions of believers around the world who not only know he can do these things they count down the days every year until he does them again and then they thank him all over again. Every year.

So this question, like so many other questions about Santa, comes down to this: do you believe?

If you believe, you know it will happen.

And if it happens…logic asks, why do you have to see him?

So go back to bed.

Dream of sugar plums.

Sleep in til noon and give your parents something for Christmas they will enjoy – a little extra sleep.

They might be your parents but they can’t see Santa either.

Not even parents are that fast.

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