Top 10 Things Never to Say on Santa’s Lap

Top 10 Things Never to Say on Santa’s Lap

10. Well, I guess it depends on your definition of naughty. 9. The doctor says it’s not that contagious. 8. I have a really good recipe for reindeer meat. 7. Sorry. I’m pretty nervous. Next time I won’t drink so much water before I come. 6. You can’t believe everything Mommy says, you know. 5. Red’s not really your color, is it? 4. You know, cookies and milk are really high in cholesterol. 3. I don’t think my chimney is, you know, for the big and tall. 2. Being good? You were serious about that? 1. Say — can IRead more

Top 10 Things Santa Does to Pass the Offseason

Top 10 Things Santa Does to Pass the Offseason

10. Travels the world with a reindeer pooper-scooper. 9. Thinks up 12 more days of Christmas. 8. Writes new Christmas top ten lists. 7. Drops watermelons from the top of David Letterman’s house. 6. Takes pictures on the Easter Bunny’s lap. 5. Walks the malls muttering “Where’s my chair?” 4. Sends clever audition videos trying to get on “Survivor” 3. Elf bowling (you figure it out) 2. Tries to understand the difference between “wrap” and “rap” 1. Roams parking lots asking police “Have you seen my sleigh?”

Top 10 Ways Santa Knows You Have Been Naughty

Top 10 Ways Santa Knows You Have Been Naughty

10. That “Better Luck Next Year” banner that Santa left you before is still up. 9. When you ask Santa for a new BBQ to go with all that coal you’ve been getting for years now. 8. Your Mom tells Santa that your stocking is in the dryer. 7. Santa saw the empty Oreos bag on the floor but no cookies on the plate last year. 6. All that stomping registers on the Richter scale at the North Pole. 5. That scale measures most of your stomps at an 8 or higher. 4. The elves bet heavily against you justRead more

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Getting Coal in Your Stocking

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Getting Coal in Your Stocking

10. Don’t hang your stocking. 9. Fill your own stocking. 8. Put someone else’s name on your stocking. 7. Sew your stocking shut. 6. Put mousetraps in your stocking. (CAUTION: Could backfire.) 5. Leave all your lights on to make Santa think you’re still awake. 4. Stay up late and plead for mercy when the Coalman cometh. 3. Leave Santa tickets to the next Cardinals game instead of cookies. 2. Call the cops, have Santa arrested. 1. Line your chimney with superglue.

Top 10 Questions for Job Applicants at the North Pole

Top 10 Questions for Job Applicants at the North Pole

10. Do you still get coal in your stocking? 9. What color is the red sleigh? 8. If Mr. and Mrs. Claus gets into an argument, who is right? 7. Have you ever roasted chestnuts? 6. When Jack Frost nips at your nose, do you nip back? 5. Just what is a holly-jolly Christmas? 4. Have you ever dreamt of, say, a purple Christmas? 3. Is “Frosty the Snowman” really a Christmas song? 2. Do you know “Jingle Bells” in any other language? 1. How many angels can dance on a snowflake?