{"id":22713,"date":"2015-11-18T15:22:53","date_gmt":"2015-11-18T22:22:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/?p=22713"},"modified":"2015-05-18T15:30:13","modified_gmt":"2015-05-18T21:30:13","slug":"barbies-letter-to-santa","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/barbies-letter-to-santa\/","title":{"rendered":"Barbie’s Letter to Santa"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Santa<\/a>,<\/p>\n

Listen you fat little troll, I\u2019ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas<\/a> Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa<\/a>, but IT\u2019S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!<\/p>\n

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas<\/a>, or I\u2019m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won\u2019t wanna be around to smell it). So, here\u2019s my holiday wish list, Santa<\/a>:<\/p>\n

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I\u2019m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your rear?<\/p>\n

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white silk. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!<\/p>\n

3. A REAL man\u2026 maybe GI JOE. Heck, I\u2019d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what\u2019s with that earring anyway? If I\u2019m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.<\/p>\n

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.<\/p>\n

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don\u2019t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.<\/p>\n

6. A sports-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.<\/p>\n

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don\u2019t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!<\/p>\n

8. A new persona. Maybe \u201cPMS Barbie\u201d, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; \u201cAnimal Rights Barbie\u201d, with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, can of red spray paint; or \u201cStop Smoking
\nBarbie,\u201d sporting a patch and equipped wth several packs of gum.<\/p>\n

9. No more McDonald\u2019s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.<\/p>\n

10. Mattel stock options. It\u2019s been 47 years-I think I deserve it.<\/p>\n

Okay Santa<\/a>, that\u2019s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don\u2019t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas<\/a>. It\u2019s that simple.<\/p>\n

Yours Truly,<\/p>\n

Barbie<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Santa, Listen you fat little troll, I\u2019ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT\u2019S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":22714,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","iawp_total_views":59,"footnotes":""},"categories":[70],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-22713","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-holiday-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22713","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=22713"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22713\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/22714"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=22713"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=22713"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=22713"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}