{"id":25545,"date":"2017-08-01T00:34:42","date_gmt":"2017-08-01T06:34:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/?p=25545"},"modified":"2017-07-31T18:59:04","modified_gmt":"2017-08-01T00:59:04","slug":"jacob-marley-and-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/jacob-marley-and-me\/","title":{"rendered":"Jacob Marley and Me"},"content":{"rendered":"

(Editors Note: This guest blogger wishes to remain anonymous. Over a period of three weeks of July 2017 I met with her by phone as she told me her story and explained how she wanted it told. It has been through many revisions. This is a true story, difficult in parts to read. But at the same time it is one of the most profound Christmas<\/a> stories I have ever had related to me.)<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMarley was dead to begin with\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

So wrote Charles Dickens to begin telling his story, A Christmas<\/a> Carol<\/em>. <\/p>\n

I identify a lot with Marley. And come Christmas<\/a> 2017 I will be much like him \u2013 \u201cdead as a doornail\u201d, as Dickens wrote. <\/p>\n

But I know my fate. <\/p>\n

That is where my similarity to Jacob Marley ends. <\/p>\n

My mother died when I was four. I never learned of the circumstances of her death but I was told by many what she was like in this life. She was wonderful, I was told. Some told me I looked like her. <\/p>\n

But I grew up with no living memory of her. <\/p>\n

When my father abandoned me when I was 9 I was turned over to foster care. <\/p>\n

It was fine for a while but as the years of my young womanhood fell upon me I turned to trouble. I rebelled against everything and by the time I was 18 I was so wild that everyone \u2013 myself included \u2013 wanted so much for me to be an adult and on my own. <\/p>\n

At 18 I had no limits and for a solid decade I lived life hard. <\/p>\n

There was not anything I would not try and I did try it all. <\/p>\n

Many of those years are a blur to me now, especially between the ages of 19 and 26, when drugs ruled my existence. <\/p>\n

How I survived it I\u2019ll never know. <\/p>\n

Many times when I came to I did not know how I got there and sometimes I did not recognize or know the people in front of me. <\/p>\n

I think I grew tired of it all. Maybe I grew up just a little. <\/p>\n

For two years I made a solid effort of cleaning up. I got sober. I went to school. And with great pride I got a job. <\/p>\n

I made the mistake of thinking my life\u2019s experience made me wise. <\/p>\n

I was a survivor, true enough. <\/p>\n

That gave me power beyond my capabilities and I held that over people. <\/p>\n

I became the Dragon Lady \u2013 unstoppable, invincible and completely right about everything. <\/p>\n

Once I tortured a little girl \u2013 actually, she was a young woman of 22 \u2013 who was in the role of office assistant where I worked. She was so weak, and breathy, and nice that I destroyed her every chance I got. <\/p>\n

Her name was Juliet and she came from a world so very unlike my own. She had family, she was loved, she was popular, and she was happy. <\/p>\n

I resented her like almost no other person on God\u2019s green earth. <\/p>\n

But even to me she was nice. <\/p>\n

And with each good turn, with each polite gesture, with every kind deed and her ever uncomplaining attitude I hardened myself against her and built a hate for her that manifest itself first in merely being rude but in time came out as just being mean. <\/p>\n

I wanted to destroy her. <\/p>\n

I wanted to see her unhappy, suffering, and bitter. <\/p>\n

I never fully succeeded. She left. <\/p>\n

No doubt because of me. <\/p>\n

My thirst for her anguish was never satisfied and in time I found another to impose upon with my dark light. <\/p>\n

I did have friends. But I kept my friends shielded from my true nature at work. <\/p>\n

There were men in my life, too. <\/p>\n

But they either competed with me in a battle of both wits and strengths \u2013 or were so pathetically weak they bored me. Never did I allow myself to attach to anyone who was gentle, soft and kind. <\/p>\n

I never had children. <\/p>\n

In fact, most of my relationships were cold, hard, distant and unfeeling. Just the way I liked it. <\/p>\n

It was during these years of isolated hardness that I figured the reason they never told me how my mother died was because she must have committed suicide. <\/p>\n

I convinced myself it was so. Why else would a woman in her thirties die so young? <\/p>\n

The thought made me even more bitter and I began to lump my mother in with my father. They were people who left me to the wilds of life alone. They had abandoned me, I thought. <\/p>\n

Then came that day four years ago \u2013 that day when everything began to change.<\/p>\n

I went to the doctor for a persistent sore throat. I was thinking it was allergies or maybe just a lingering cold. <\/p>\n

What came first was the diagnosis of a thyroid condition but they wanted to do more tests. Over the course of three weeks I had examinations, blood tests and appointments with specialists. <\/p>\n

They gave me no good news. <\/p>\n

I had a rapidly advancing form of MS. <\/p>\n

And Lupus. <\/p>\n

And Lyme disease. <\/p>\n

And a blood disease I cannot pronounce or spell. <\/p>\n

Almost immediately my iron will evaporated. <\/p>\n

I began to feel the symptoms of everything they said I had. <\/p>\n

I reflected on it later. Until I went to the doctor I only had a sore throat. But otherwise I was up every day and working and fighting life. <\/p>\n

It never dawned on me to fight FOR life and when really faced with it the first time I didn\u2019t fight at all. <\/p>\n

I caved. <\/p>\n

And I crawled into a familiar shell. <\/p>\n

I was never religious. But if there was a God surely he was abandoning me, too. <\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t go back to the drugs. But I did hit the bottle. And I nearly drank myself to death. <\/p>\n

In fact, in combination with the prescription drugs I pushed my body to a premature limit. <\/p>\n

I actually died. <\/p>\n

I do not remember my spirit leaving my body on this occasion. I can only remember being aware of being somewhere else. And in this place I was still a person \u2013 the same person. <\/p>\n

There was no pain. Any feeling<\/a> of being sick or medicated had left me entirely. <\/p>\n

In fact, I felt a growing sense of unexplainable euphoria. <\/p>\n

I was happy and could not contain it. I felt good. Really, really, really good \u2013 better than any other time in my life. <\/p>\n

Where was I? What could explain these feelings?<\/p>\n

Then I saw The Light. <\/p>\n

It started small but quickly grew not only large but it soaked into everything, filled everything, including me. <\/p>\n

I can\u2019t really describe it. <\/p>\n

It was like going into a swimming pool and getting wet not only on the outside but also on the inside. <\/p>\n

Within moments I began to perceive a person in the light \u2013 a man. <\/p>\n

I did not recognize him but somehow I felt I knew him. From him I felt overwhelming love<\/a> and acceptance and understanding. It was the most powerful thing I had ever felt and the words I write here do not do the experience justice. <\/p>\n

Nothing can compare to it. <\/p>\n

Words were not spoken. But understanding filled my mind. <\/p>\n

He knew me. He knew everything about me. <\/p>\n

And he loved me anyway. <\/p>\n

Then, almost as quickly as he came he withdrew\u2026and was gone. <\/p>\n

I was left alone to ponder for a minute but only for a minute. <\/p>\n

I turned and there before me was a woman I did not know. <\/p>\n

But instantly I was given to understand that she was my mother. <\/p>\n

She embraced me. She told me she loved me. <\/p>\n

She said she did not commit suicide and that she had never abandoned me \u2013 even in death. <\/p>\n

I said nothing. <\/p>\n

But she seemed to perceive my thoughts and she answered my questions almost as fast as they formed in my mind. <\/p>\n

Then she warned me. <\/p>\n

She said, \u201cIf you are given the choice, choose life.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then she left. <\/p>\n

My next memory was waking up in a hospital with tubes down my throat. <\/p>\n

I began to thrash and soon a host of nurses were surrounding me, trying to calm me down. <\/p>\n

I wanted to talk but could not. I did not like the restrictions and tried my best to communicate that. <\/p>\n

But they sedated me anyway and that moment ended. <\/p>\n

It was days later when I came around again. <\/p>\n

When I awoke there was a priest in my room. I did not know him. <\/p>\n

When he saw me come around he got a nurse who evaluated me with caution. I must have seemed calm to her because she did not move to medicate me again. <\/p>\n

I had a horrendous headache but I was thrilled to be myself again\u2026in control of my body, if that makes sense. <\/p>\n

The nurse let the priest feed me some ice chips. While he did this he spoke. <\/p>\n

\u201cJesus loves you,\u201d he said. And, I said, \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n

He stopped and looked at me. \u201cYou do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d I said. \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Over the course of the next several weeks I saw a lot of this man. He visited me nearly every day. <\/p>\n

When I had \u201cstabilized\u201d they told me that I was a complex case. <\/p>\n

With all my health issues they could not explain my survival nor my behavior. I had no idea what they were talking about. <\/p>\n

Evidently, while under sedation, I had several seizures and then moments when I appeared awake and became violent. <\/p>\n

I had no memory of such events. <\/p>\n

They put me into a coma and ran several more tests. They discovered a brain tumor. <\/p>\n

It is inoperable, terminal and advancing quickly. <\/p>\n

To my negative nature this explained everything. I sank into bitterness and despair. <\/p>\n

God hated me, I decided. <\/p>\n

Seeing the effect this realization had on me my friend the priest reminded me \u2013 \u201cyou said you knew Jesus loves you\u201d. <\/p>\n

He was right, of course. <\/p>\n

I did know that. <\/p>\n

Seeing a woman who claimed to be my mother was one thing. <\/p>\n

But seeing who I saw in that light\u2026well, what could explain that? <\/p>\n

Hours later, after expending anguish and crying for myself, I asked him. \u201cWhat comes now, do you throw the Bible at me and tell me I\u2019m going to hell?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d he said. \u201cI think I\u2019ll have you read Dickens\u201d. <\/p>\n

And he gave me a copy of A Christmas<\/a> Carol. <\/p>\n

Well, it was Christmas<\/a> time. <\/p>\n

So I began to read. <\/p>\n

I cannot tell you how much I really enjoyed it. <\/p>\n

But I was taken with most the character of Jacob Marley. For some reason, the weight of his chains felt so much like the weight of my own. <\/p>\n

Being in a terminal \u2013 and thus hopeless condition \u2013 Marley\u2019s story was keenly interesting to me. <\/p>\n

I found little inspiration in the redemption of Scrooge. After all, he lived. His life went on. He overcame and won. <\/p>\n

Me? I felt much more like Jacob Marley. <\/p>\n

In fact, I was Jacob Marley \u2013 doomed for all time. <\/p>\n

Last Christmas<\/a>, thanks to Mr. Dickens and my friend the priest, I immersed myself in the culture of Christmas<\/a>. <\/p>\n

I had a tree. Some folks came to decorate my room. Someone brought me presents. (What do you get someone who is dying?)<\/p>\n

And on my own I secretly sought after the Jesus of the Christmas<\/a> story. <\/p>\n

Only one time did I feel like I struck a vein of understanding. <\/p>\n

I found an article that described all the names and titles Jesus goes by. <\/p>\n

\u201cHe shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, the Mighty God, the prince of peace<\/a>!\u201d<\/p>\n

Those words \u2013 scripture, I later learned \u2013 best matched an earthly description of what I had earlier experienced and had told no one about. <\/p>\n

Then, on a cold January morning, a tremendous headache fell upon me and I slipped away. <\/p>\n

This time I was fully aware of my spirit leaving my body. I felt it. I watched as I rose from the room and looked down on my skinny, sick body. <\/p>\n

At first I did not recognize myself. <\/p>\n

Soon, I found myself in that other place. <\/p>\n

I can\u2019t describe it. <\/p>\n

There was light \u2013 an unspeakable, unworldly light. Beauty was everywhere with color and life abundant. It\u2019s a place unlike we have on earth at all. <\/p>\n

But this time I did not see The Light. He was not there. <\/p>\n

But there again was my mother. She was not alone. <\/p>\n

My father was there. <\/p>\n

And while no words were exchanged the hundreds of others with my parents were also my family. Grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins from generations past. <\/p>\n

They knew me. <\/p>\n

I could not claim to know them but there was a feeling<\/a> around them I could not escape. <\/p>\n

Love<\/a>. Trust. Great admiration. Honest value. <\/p>\n

These words all go into what I felt about these people that I cannot now call strangers. <\/p>\n

My father, whose memory I did have, looked at me with great, great love<\/a>. <\/p>\n

In those wordless moments where every thought between us was transparent and understanding ran deep I learned he never really abandoned me. <\/p>\n

Just like my mother never committed suicide. I had judged him wrongly. <\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t say it. But somehow I knew it. <\/p>\n

I knew I could believe him and trust him. <\/p>\n

I knew in a most perfect way that there was no reason to doubt his love<\/a> for me ever again. <\/p>\n

Then he did speak. <\/p>\n

\u201cYou must choose.\u201d He said. <\/p>\n

When he said this I felt every eye there on me. They were keenly aware of my choice and no matter what I would choose they would love<\/a> me and accept me. <\/p>\n

My choice was to either stay with them \u2013 or go back to my body. <\/p>\n

Nobody had to say it, the choice was made crystal clear to me in my mind. <\/p>\n

I looked at my mother. <\/p>\n

But there was no communication there this time. <\/p>\n

I could not perceive any influence from her but total love<\/a>. <\/p>\n

Feeling<\/a> in that instance very much like their child I answered the only parental direction I had in fact received from my parents, or so I felt. <\/p>\n

\u201cI choose life\u201d, I said. <\/p>\n

Immediately I was taken back to my body. <\/p>\n

Now the experience was much different. <\/p>\n

There was not as much pain \u2013 my head no longer ached. But I had lost control over my left side. I could not speak. <\/p>\n

I had had a stroke.<\/p>\n

From that day to this I have seen a steady deterioration in my physical condition. I know I have but few days left to live. <\/p>\n

Over these many months contemplating these events I came to understand that coming back to die was not really the choice my mother was talking about. <\/p>\n

When she said \u201cchoose life\u201d what she meant was \u201cdecide to be happy\u201d. <\/p>\n

Happiness is a choice. <\/p>\n

And it is within reach of us all — if we take it. <\/p>\n

The slowly passing months of 2017 have been the happiest of my life. <\/p>\n

I have never had better reason to be unhappy. I have never known a period of my life where being negative and bitter and even mean might be called for than right now. <\/p>\n

I have had nearly everything that makes this life a rich experience taken from me. My body does not work. My pain, on many days, is unbearable. <\/p>\n

But despite it all I\u2019m happy. <\/p>\n

Because happiness is a choice. <\/p>\n

Jacob Marley never learned that. He may be out there somewhere, still rattling his chains, for all I know. <\/p>\n

But his story does not need to be my story any more. <\/p>\n

I choose life. I choose happiness. <\/p>\n

And I choose love<\/a>. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Editors Note: This guest blogger wishes to remain anonymous. Over a period of three weeks of July 2017 I met with her by phone as she told me her story and explained how she wanted it told. It has been through many revisions. This is a true story, difficult in parts to read. But at […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":25548,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","iawp_total_views":41,"footnotes":""},"categories":[52,2,97],"tags":[655],"class_list":["post-25545","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-christmas-memories","category-christmas-news","category-christmas-stories","tag-true-christmas-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25545","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=25545"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25545\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/25548"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=25545"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=25545"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mymerrychristmas.com\/x\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=25545"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}