The Five Most Annoying Songs of Christmas

The top five most annoying songs of Christmas. Sounds like a peach of an assignment, right?

I mean, who doesn’t have a list in their head right now of Christmas music that makes them throw up a little eggnog in their mouth? We all do. After all, there is that much nauseating Christmas drivel out there.

But this is a minefield and I told my editor just as much.

No matter what songs I list below as the worst some moron(s) are going to contest it. They will protest – BUT I LOVE THAT SONG.

The fact that I make a list and then rank them means I’m just daring the world to come along and either disagree by listing alternatives or, worse, disagree by calling what I call terrible, um, good.

So, yes, this is all subjective.

Tough. It’s my assignment. I’ll do it and dang the consequences.

But before I start with this list you should know that my purpose here isn’t to list the worst of the worst. There are so many bad Christmas songs that the list would be endless. No, we don’t need to do that. We can narrow it down to only five.

My criteria for this list is that these songs have to still actually get played on the radio. And all of those songs on my list as the worst get played way, way too much. That’s reason #1 they make the list at all.

It’s stuff you hear a lot of.

It is the stuff that makes you change the channel, drive off the road or run out of the room with both ears bleeding.

We’re talking common, everyday songs of Christmas that some radio dude thinks the public actually likes.

We’re talking the worst of the most heard songs out there.

Got it?

Here we go:

1. All I Want for Christmas is You – Mariah Carey

I’m going for the jugular here right out of the gate. This song is so popular – so called – and most lists say this is the most popular song since White Christmas.

Bull puckey. This song is mental illness in an eggnog carton.

It’s a love song, yes. But it ain’t Christmas. There’s nothing Christmas about it.

And it’s not love if you have to screech. Why is it played so much then? It’s a mystery. But it’s not because this song is good.

It’s not good. It’s a bad song. Mariah Carey is billing herself these days as the Queen of Christmas. She is, in reality, the Queen of Crap. Keep Christmas out of it. This isn’t a Christmas song.

Say it with me, kids: it’s a bad, bad, bad unlistenable pile of goo.

Did I mention that it’s bad?

Awful.

2. Last Christmas – Wham

Face it, this is a soap opera on steroids. Once again, it is not Christmas.

This is a sticking point for me in all of these songs. They play at Christmas time, over and over. And over and over they just are NOT Christmas. Look at these horrific lyrics:

A face-on lover with a fire in his heart (I gave you my heart)
A man undercover, but you tore him apart…

Where is the Christmas in this? Where’s Santa? Where is the baby Jesus, the donkey, Frosty and gingerbread men?

This is not Christmas. It’s gay guys on Dr. Phil. Stop already. Nobody wants this in their stocking.

3. Wonderful Christmas Time – Paul McCartney and Wings

Wings. What is Wings? Last I saw they are either part of a bird’s anatomy or an element of feminine hygiene products.

Either way, they add up to bad Christmas music – with Paul McCartney.

This earworm isn’t something you can get out of your head. I mean that in a bad way.

I’d feel guilty for putting this on the list just for that reason alone but you and I know that since I just brought it up – it doesn’t even have to be heard – it’s going to be in your head for two weeks.

That’s the stuff of Chinese torture right there. The things they do to enemy combatants.

Christmas is about peace. You’ll never get it with this song. Sir Pablo is yet to give us something Christmas by which he can redeem himself. And Wings has since left the building.

4. Baby It’s Cold Outside – by Just About Anyone

First, like nearly every song on our list, this isn’t a Christmas song.

But, like some other titles, we endured it as a passable holiday tune for DECADES until some woke snowflake decided this song was a Me-Too anthem.

The lyrics have been scrutinized to death.

She’s gotta go but he wants her to stay. That’s it.

Tale as old as time.

It could be Christmas. It’s snowing, “up to your knees out there”. But we’re never given a ho-ho-ho, mistletoe, or Rudolph to tie this love story to Christmas. We have to imagine it.

But what ruined this song forever was first, it’s banishment by woke DJs somewhere out there, and second, attempts to repair it, such as the version done by Kelly Clarkson with the very cringe John Legend.

A non-Christmas song redone to be made even less Christmasy. No thanks.

5. Feliz Navidad – Jose Feliciano

This one breaks the mold. This one IS a Christmas song, as long as you speak Spanish.

It is almost criminal to put this on our list because Jose Feliciano is an amazing musician who has done a lot of great stuff. It’s a shame this song is his big claim to fame. He is so much
bigger than what this song actually is.

It gets played to death. Day after day from Halloween to New Years. Week after week. Year after year.

It. Never. Stops.

It needs to.