Four and a half years ago I was at a pretty dark spot in my life. I had lost the love of my life. Found another girl that I thought could show me that I was still capable of love only to have her betray me and damage my heart even more. I had a job traveling around as a sales rep. I loved it. There was no co workers to deal with on a daily basis. I only saw my boss 3 times a year. It was just me and that was the way I preferred it. I could run into a store and pretend to be happy while trying to sale the manager whatever new product I had that period or to tell them about the specials going on then go back to my truck and wallow in my own pity. I had pushed almost of all my friends away and the one's I still bothered with, lived out of state. Most of our interaction took place over the computer. So they had no idea that the happy act that I but on every time I talked to them was all a facade. I even hid my depression from my family. I would tell them that I was going out with friends and just go drive around all night so they wouldn't question why I was staying at home so much. I was at a point that I really didn't want to interact with anyone.
Then one day I was sitting at the desktop computer in my bedroom when out of no where I wondered how many days are left to Christmas? I don't remember the exact words I typed into Yahoo that day but as I scrolled through the results I stumbled across mymerrychristmas.com. I clicked on it and was amazed by the site. Not only did it have the countdown to Christmas that I was looking for, it had all kinds of info on Christmas. Now I had always loved Christmas and listened to Christmas music and watched Christmas Movies all year long. I had never really studied Christmas though. So to see all of this info in one place overwhelmed me. I also noticed that the site had a forum. I had read forums before to stay up to date on Nascar and other sports but I had never actively joined in. As I read through the posts that day though, something struck me. I had this overwhelming urge to join. So I listened to it and joined the site. I posted an intro and looked around. I was amazed how active the forum was even in April. Eventually I stumbled upon the Countdown thread. I posted about what was going on in my day and read about everyone else's day. Then I shut the computer down and went to do some other things.
The next day, I was on the computer checking my email, when MMC popped in my mind. So I searched for it again and did some more reading. Then I logged back on the forums and read some more there. Before leaving I once again headed to the countdown thread and posted again. That same scene repeated itself again and again. Finally about a week later I bookmarked the site so I didn't have to keep searching for it. I couldn't really explain it but for some reason I just liked it here. The people all seemed to be nice and cared for each other. There was no fighting, no arguing, no complaining. It was just a bunch of people who loved Christmas like me.
As the weeks passed, my daily visits became 2 or 3 times a day. I found myself replying to other people's posts. Playing the games. Chatting with Coach about Nascar. In a way, I started feeling at home. Which shocked me. I never believed that I could care about people that I had never met. In fact at that point, I wasn't sure that I could ever care about anyone again. I found myself thinking about other member's randomly throughout the day though. Praying for those that needed prayers. Wondering if people who said they were sick, were feeling better. It kinda scared me to tell you the truth. I didn't want to care. I viewed MMC as a way to kill time during the day. I wasn't trying to make friends. I wasn't trying to get to know people. This wasn't part of the plan.
Soon I couldn't deny it anymore though. I did care about all of these people. It was more than that though. I enjoyed hanging out on the site and chatting with them. It made me happy and that happiness was carrying over to my everyday life. All of you were helping me to claw out of the dark hole that I had been stuck in for so long. I wasn't sure how or why but you were and Christmas that year was one of the best that I had had in a long time because of it.
Year's later I can look back and see what was going on. I still loved Christmas but I had lost my Christmas spirit and MMC helped me find it again. In the process, it also helped me find myself again. It showed me that I was still capable of being happy. That there was people who would like me for who I was and not who I was pretending to be. That my heart though broken was not dead. That it was still capable of feeling emotions and of caring. I don't want to be to dramatic about it but in a way MMC saved me. Had fate not caused me to stumble on to this site that day back in April of 2009, I don't know where I would be today.
I'll admit that it's still a struggle some days though. In fact there was a time earlier this year that I really felt myself slipping back to that place again. It just seemed like everything was going wrong in my personal life and all of that emotion was overwhelming me. It was 2 very special friends from here though that realized what was happening and stepped in to pull me out of the downward spiral. For as far as I had come from where I was back in 2009, I still couldn't bring myself to let anyone in. My heart just wasn't ready to trust anyone with those thoughts for fear of them being used against me. Through their persistence though, those fears lessened and I slowly started opening up for the first time in my life. I'm in a much better place today because of it too.
So as we prepare to celebrate this Christmas season, I want to take this chance to thank all of you for the things you do. Not just here in the countdown but also the things that happen behind the scenes that no one will ever know about. Thank you for the kind and caring messages. Thank you for the prayers and get well messages. Thank you for the support in the good times and the bad. Thank you for your selfless acts and for the surprises. It is all of you that make this site so special and I'm honored to call you all my friends.
"The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas."- W. C. Jones
