I know that my friends here over the years here, have been wondering where I have been. Well, I sort of had to take a leave of absence from here, to spare all of you from my internal torment/ hell that I have been going through, because I had Christmas and my Christmas spirt, forcibly removed from my heart and soul this past Christmas....
I have stayed in touch privately with a few, very personal friends here, that have been trying to help me (in ways) to find a logic, a reason, to try to help me to find me again, to help me hold onto my hopes, my dreams, my beliefs and my faith. For you see, I was blind sided, the day after Thanksgiving, (without any warnings) with my wife of 23+ years of leaving me and my (2) adult children (ages 21 & 23; that live with me at home here) forever. My world had been turned completely upside down in about the same time as a flash of lightening. I came home from work to a note on the kitchen counter, informing me that she had left us and most likely will never come back.
I have been in hell since that day. My Christmas, my Christmas season, my beliefs, my life was thrown in the trash can that day. I have been in vain, ever since that day, of respecting my wife's wishes by not bothering her, trying to communicate with her, per her wishes and orders, I had left her alone so that she could think and not feel pressured by me or anyone else, etc... I have been taking care of our home, property, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, kids, work, life, etc... all by myself, doing everything by myself. It has not been easy, but I have been doing it and managing it very well for, well, a man....
My wife, is a recovering alcoholic. My children and I have spent the last 5-6 years of trying to get her sober and to help save her life. At one point, she was drinking a fifth of Captain Morgan's spiced rum every single night. It was a nightmare, but I stayed with her, helped her and with my love for her and my faith in god and our marriage together, after 5-6 years we did it. She has been sober for two (2) years now, so at least I think.....
I have never, ever, ever, strayed from her, never have kissed another woman in passion, never verbally or physically abused her or my children. I always respected her wishes, instructions and did as she asked of me to do. I do not drink alcohol, don't smoke, don't do drugs, I believe in god, I come home every night from work to my family, I do not go to bars, nightclubs, etc...I gave my paycheck completely to my wife every payday to pay bills, buy groceries, things, etc.... I have tried in vain, to live and to be a good man, good husband and a good father... And look what it got me in the end, heartbreak......
I have been lost, living a life of purgatory for about 10 weeks now, trying so hard, every day, every night, praying, hoping, trying and also with the help of a marriage counselor to find a path, a way to help my wife come back home to her family...
My wife and I sat down together last Sunday, for the first time together alone since she left to talk. It did not go very well. I completely disagreed with her on her points of view, her logic and her conclusions that she wants to end our marriage forever... YES, that is what she told me, she does not want to come back. She told me these awful things:
- She does not want to stay married.
- She wants to live life for her and do what she feels is in her best interests.
- She does not miss me.
- She does not love me.
- She does not miss our home.
- She does not miss anything that is in it.
- She does miss our children, but even they, as she said, are not enough for her to come back home.
- She said I was a good man, good person, good father and a good husband.
- She has no intentions of ever coming back home.
- And she is living her life for herself now, doing what she wants to do, when she wants to do it, how she wants to do it. She said right now, her own interests mean more to her than her family.
What else can I say. But you know, even then, after all she said, I still didn't give up hope. we both were to speak to the marriage counselor last week which we did separately, and then my wife and I were supposed to meet today to talk once more. But, instead, last night I received this text message for my wife,
"I spoke to the marriage counselor last night. My mind hasn't changed since the day I left so I really don't see that there is anything for us to talk about until you accept this decision. you keep asking me questions that I have given the answer to. I'm sorry that you are hurting but from now on I have to do what's best for me!"
My wife has now decided my future, my children's future all on/ because of and for her own selfish and self-centered, self gratifying wants... I am alone now, I am lost, I have been and am trying to find a path, to learn how to live, breath, and function once more... I cry, I pray, I go to church, I wish, I hope, I have faith that everything now in my life, is in god's hands. I am trying to find the strength to live, but it is beyond anything and everything I have ever experience in my life. I am devastated, my moral destroyed, my heart broken, my faith tested, my desires and drives thrown out the window. I do have my children, which is a blessing and they want to be here with me, which I do thank the lord for. They mean everything to me and I love them both so much.....
I have never, ever, been is such a low place in my moral life, and that I could not find any Christmas in my heart this year.
I was supposed to of have been apart of the Christmas card exchange this year, but I didn't have it in my heart do involve myself, so I apologize for not sending any out this year. I did not send out any personal ones either...Christmas to me this year, never happened.
I am sorry for not being here, but I have been and am in right now, such a low point in my life, I just didn't want to bring everyone else down with me, nor be crying my troubles to everyone here, everyone has enough problems of their own. So, instead, I choose exile for myself, so as to spare each and everyone of you from my pain, my sorrow, my loneliness, my grief, my disbelief, my loss...
I do miss you all and being here, but It has been an awful journey/ path that I have been on and it was a place where I felt, you all need to be and remain happy in your lives and to not be on that road with me....
Me,
What do I do? I just don't know.
Where do I go in life? I just don't know.
How do I live? I just don't know.
Do I want to live, start my life all over again? I just don't know.
Where do I begin? I just don't know...
How do I feel? Numb, isolated, alone, abandoned and be-wildered. Lost in a vast empty sea...
I am not in a very good place in my heart, my soul, my mind, I feel lost, alone, sad, helpless, afraid and abandoned....
I felt that since my wife's answer now is absolute, today, for some reason, felt inside, that it was the day to share my personal life with you all. I do not know about anything anymore. I'm just trying to find my way.......
I love and miss you all.
David (Xmastidings)
