When You Have Lost Your Jingle

Jeff, where have you been?

Boy, is that a loaded question. For the better part of three years things have lagged a bit on MyMerryChristmas.

That’s my fault. I’ve been aware of it the entire time. Hardly a month has passed where I’d make a list, check it twice and I just failed to find the will to go after it. MyMerryChristmas has been here, running on autopilot nearly the entire time.

Well meaning folks would check on me. Are you okay, man?

The simple answer to that has been “no”. There are some within the circle of loyal members of our community at the Merry Forums who know some of my journey the past few years. But even they don’t really know.

I have not wanted to burden them because it seems to me so many are shouldering burdens of their own that are worse than mine. After all, for years through our work and contact with the world at large we have been the ones to lend a hand to others who were suffering, especially at Christmas.

Life, on it’s own, has a way of doing that to us at time. I’m very much aware that where I have been and what I have been dealing with is not unique. I’m not the first and I certainly will not be the last.

But I will at least be honest here and just say I lost my jingle, and it’s been really hard to get it back.

That’s why things stagnated. No podcasts have been done in over a year. Features have failed to materialize. We haven’t even listened to Christmas music, much less write about it and share it. The traditional events of the community, such as our famous exchanges and even the world of Santa’s Sleigh, have barely functioned.

When my Dad passed away just before Thanksgiving in 2021 I told myself, “It’s okay. Take a break. People will understand.” And they did. The outreach during that time to me was tremendous. Dad himself told me before he left not to stop doing Christmas. And I didn’t. We put up the tree and even hung Dad’s stocking, too. But I did take my foot off the gas. I got Covid, suffered a job loss, and saw my wife through a significant surgery. All of that was convenient reason enough to step away and let darkness settle in to what has traditionally been a bright part of my life.

What a mistake.

Instead of realizing what was happening to me, I perpetuated the trial. I made excuses. I rationalized things. Put things off. I let standards slide. I fell off the sleigh, dried up the tree, and let the eggnog get warm.

Christmas 22 and Christmas 23 passed with me going through the motions.

Why am I bearing my soul here?

Well, I first want to apologize. I do feel guilty for having let some very loyal folks down these past couple of years. I have no excuses. I’m just very sorry.

In a way, I feel a little like Scrooge. At the end, as he recounts his sins, the greatest of them seems to be his insensitivity and lack of compassion for others having a difficult time. Never again can I see someone in pain at Christmas and not hear them. I truly have been there now.

My personal attitudes about depression have been very damaging. I have never really suffered with it before and I’ve scoffed sometimes at those that do.

My dear wife has some genetic inclinations towards issues we term these days as mental health. Anxiety. Depression. OCD. ADHD. You name it, it’s been something present at times and in places with her family. I’m sure it has been in mine as well and I have never recognized it.

For many, the holiday season itself is a trigger. It makes them ache for times and feelings that are no longer possible.

Grieving, I have learned, is a natural expression of love. In and of itself, it’s actually good for us, I believe. But like anything else, if taken to an extreme, it’s not a good thing.

This idea of taking things to extremes is something my wife and I have discussed many times over the years. Usually in just a joking way. “Too much” chocolate, for example, is not a good thing. But chocolate in and of itself is a good thing.

She’s always made a face at me when I have said that people really do not have weaknesses. They just have strengths they take too far.

Think about that. It applies to almost anything. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.

Can that be said of Christmas?

I mean, did I burn myself out on it? Have I operated at such a high Christmas level, both online and offline, for so many years, that when real life intervened I crashed with it all?

I don’t know.

All I know is that somehow in the past couple of months I’ve felt the fog lifting. Whatever that loving feeling is that is Christmas is coming back.

And it’s making me a wise man.

It has made me realize that I don’t have answers. I have ideas. And I can certainly better understand things in this regard now. And I have this small bit of wisdom to impart on any one who has lost their jingle.

1. It’s okay. Christmas will still be here in all it’s glory when you get back.
2. See the signs. It’s not like Ebeneezer Scrooge just emerges when we go to our dark space. You will become withdrawn. You will be unhappy in a room full of happy people for no explicable reason.
3. Go ahead and step back. Guilt is not a great reason to do anything. Being healthy means doing healthy things and sometimes taking a break from it all is good medicine.

All that being said, I’m very glad to be back. I’m looking forward to this Christmas like I have not felt for many years. Yes, my grief and sadness and dealing with drama has changed me. But not necessarily for the worse.

Things are going to be better but they will never be the same. Not even here on MyMerryChristmas. If you sense a new energy it is because there is one. If you feel change on our Christmas horizon, it’s coming. I can’t go like I did before. You will see a different me.

I have had to come to admit that. That admission has given me a new season of reflection and resolve. A new direction. A different idea of what MyMerryChristmas can become.

This Christmas will be one of savoring. Slowing things down. Appreciating what is happy, not just what is traditional and required. It will be a new season in the reformation of me.

It will be about getting that jingle back.